Brian's Big Fake Reality

I have helped breed two -- count 'em, two -- American Idol contestants. (Two of the 12 past roommates of my life made it to "Hollywood" on the show. One was elimanted in the final sixty, the other eliminated in the final thirty, and he got to tour with the show. Both were in different seasons.) I was even in the audience at the Kodak Theatre on the night Miss Kelly Clarkson was crowned. My oldest brother once won the showcase on the Price Is Right, even spinning $1.00 on the Showcase Showdown. Oh, and there was the 2+ years I worked on bad television shows. My life has a long reality-based legacy.

Last night I took the plunge and went in front of the cameras themselves. I won't divulge the show or the show's premise as I'll probably get sued. Except everyone on the show seemed to think I was a lawyer, so maybe they'd be afraid to sue me!

My William Hung moment was staged as a blind double-date. Two of the show's "cast members" were gonna set each other up. One's a gay guy, the other a straight girl. Except apparently the straight girl has few friends despite being GORGEOUS, because they had to bring in a totally inexperienced nobody to pretend to be her friend. Enter Brian.

So, despite numerous admonitions from friends-in-the-know, I had a couple glasses of wine. Oh, and a shot of gin. (Who does shots of gin? People who are in a stranger's house rummaging through the liquor cabinet and finding nothing.)

The guys -- my gay and her straight -- cooked us dinner. It was amazing. Very good. I tossed the salad. Sorry, mom, prepare yourself for a lot of salad-tossing jokes. Oh, and the Golden Girls. Brian had to bring in the Golden Girls. It happens.

Fun game: put yourself in a room with 3 other people that you don't know. Make sure that 2 of them are SUPER close with each other. Witness hilarity ensue. And by hilarity, I mean miserable awkwardness where you can't get a joke in once. Except for a salad-tossing joke. That's what I'll forever be famous for: tossing salad on national TV.