Absence... Heart... Fonder... or something?

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

I've decided I'm in transition.

Today is my first day back to work from a 2 week absence. I don't sense that anyone is any fonder of me today then when I left. For that, I am relieved. I couldn't stomach these leeches trying to befriend me all of the sudden.

The living sitch it a little weird with the sudden departure of one of my roommates. It's definately better having her gone, but the house is a little more empty -- absent some furniture. We need to figure out if we replace her and with whom. (Do you know anyone looking to live near the beach?)

And the weeks before the vacay, I started seeing this boy. He left for a job out of LA on the same day I left for vacation. We only dated for like 6 or 7 weeks, but I miss the bitch! I hate being vulnerable.

Of course, you don't read this because you care about me. You want to hear about the whack-jobs I encounter regularly.

Upon my return to work, I was greeted with the envelope of cards to be signed prior to our monthly potluck. There are some farewell cards for employees leaving and birthday cards for the month. The whole thing is arranged by my nemesis. (I love having a nemesis, you should get one!) And her birthday is this month... and she put a card for herself in the mix! Is that a new level of patheticism, buying your own birthday card?

The Smug Satisfaction of Being a Prick

How do I loathe many of the people I work with? Seriously, these people are useless. Somehow I became the accidental techie of the office. Perhaps it's because of a brain capacity greater than a 3 year-old... turkey! Perhaps it's because I can read. Mostly, it's because I have magic powers and can see that little "Help" menu at the top of EVERY SINGLE window I open.

I hate being the accidental techie. I've been yelled out when the answer I gave wasn't what they wanted to hear. I've been dragged off the phone by someone who had to have immediate access to their eBay account. It can be brutal, but it's my reality.


Everyone in the office comes to me -- everyone except for the "Tuna Melt" chef, the temptress of Chatsworth, the Grand Dame of the Office Collection. Mrs. Kiss Ass was never a fan of mine, nor me her. It's only become worse since I've set my sights on both her beloved Pot Luck and office gift giving.

Today, she broke the postal meter. That's techie! Whoever will help her? Well, she's now asked 3 co-workers to help her while avoiding me. And she's asked them in Spanish, assuming I'm too ignorant to understand her and won't chime in with assistance. (I still haven't told many people here that while I don't speak Spanish, after studying it for five years I can understand it pretty well.)

She can ask the homeless guy peeing on my window in Pig Latin for all I care. I will not volunteer my services until she comes wallowing into my office, reduced to her crippled, arthritic knees, tears causing the blue eye shadow to run down her face. And then, I'll walk over to the maching and hit the power button, because I'm sure that's all it needs!

Brian, 1; Crazy Nut Jobs, 0

No, Damian, you didn't win your war on ID fat photos. I'm not giving up the porker pictures. I just had a great victory today... and when you Google "Fat, victory" that's what you get.

You've may have heard that I don't necessarily love my co-workers.

See:
Fat Girls and Hats
Today's "What the F#%$?" Moment Brought to You By:
Looking to score some pot... luck!
Being a Jack Ass is Hard Work
Entitle-whosit
Christmas Comes But Once a Year...

Rest assured, there is no love lost on me either. These people hate me.

This week, they -- the Evil Empire led by the Pity Queen, our accident girl -- sent one of the unpaid interns around to collect money for Boss Lady's birthday present.

a) I don't believe in office collections. If the company can't pay for it then it shouldn't be done. It's not fair to ask employees -- especially our underpaid staff -- to chip in for things.
b) Everyone at work gets a present, a $25 gift card to Borders. It might be silly, but it's fair.
c) The boss, the one making the most, deserves the least! Remember, I'm a Democrat. Don't tax the poor to provide for the rich.

Clearly, the Pity Queen started this just to kiss up to Boss Lady. It's so much easier to kiss up rather than just do your job, right?

I refused to participate, which was a little awkward for the intern who was used to everyone just throwing in $10 whenever she came around. I gave up the collections a year ago when we collected $150 for the daughter of our accountant who had a baby. We gave this woman who most of us had never met who happened to be related to one of our vendors $150 in cash! I don't think so. I barely like to encourage those I know who spawn, why would I payoff a stranger?

Well, there's been a great victory. I led an uprising and about 3 other people refused to participate. Today, Pity Queen went around refunding everyone else's contribution because not enough people participated.

Hopefully, the collections have ended and I can focus my energy on killing the pot luck.

Looking to score some pot... luck!

It's the last Tuesday of the month, which means office Pot Luck time! YAY! This blog started with an expose on the office potluck. Things have only gotten better. December's pot-luck wasn't a paht luque. We ordered in. This month... we did it again!

I really think the pot-luck is on the way out. I couldn't be any happier to see this tradition die -- the only thing I hate more is old people. It never really was much of a pot-luck, but the crackheads fought tooth-and-nail to keep it. This month a boycotted but got scammed.

I was gonna make a big political statement by packing my own very delicious tuna lunch. I had it all planned out. While everyone else feasted on 3 week-old pickings from the fridge, I'd say, "No thanks. I'd rather just eat my own lunch. It's much healthier for me." They would quickly see through my "health" facade and the digust in their faces would be unavoidable. "Why can't Brian just play along?" "Why does Brian hate us so much?" "You know, Brian's got a point. He is looking god damn sexy these days. Do you think he'd do me?"

But I was foiled. Boss lady decided that the office would treat. Which you know is trouble because she's way cheap. No deliciously exotic chinese from Chinatown for us. No, we got some jumble of stuff that was picked up at the grocery store last night.

Maybe I'll save the tuna I packed and "contribute" it to next month's PL!

PS: Remember the flat soda I mentioned in November. The soda tasted bad this month, so I check the expiration date. The soda served expired over 8 months ago! Anything to save a buck, I guess.

NOTE: Anyone know how to actually spell "pot luck"?

Ooh, ANOTHER NOTE: Why can't I just appreciate the nice gesture? Because I'm an ass sometimes.