Dreams

I'm not much of a dreamer, maybe because I'm livin' the dream! But there is no doubt that what happened almost 3 weeks ago has had a big impact on my life. Dealing with everything that day was more than I think my fragile mind can handle.

It first manifested in exhaustion. I actually felt "intellectually tired," it was wearing to simply think of things. For a couple of days I spent hours actually doing nothing. Staring at a wall. Lying in bed with my face in the pillow.

Then it was anger. When I went to Portland, I was in the height of this. I was angry with just about everything and everyone. I hated people that are overweight, I hated laziness, I hated noise. Thankfully, much of the anger is subsided but not entirely.

I also felt alone.

Finally, last weekend, came the rush of emotions. I spent a day off, an entire day off, in bed. I didn't shower. I only got up twice, once to pee and once to make dinner. I warmed up some Macraroni & Cheese... too hot. So I needed to cool it off. I put it in the freezer, but the plate fell and dumped out. I lost it and had a complete breakdown. The irony, the mac and cheese fell into an empty, clean bowl in the freezer so there wasn't a mess and my dinner was easily salvageable.

Now, with things wrapping up -- my last days with students that were on the boat with me are slipping by -- the remnants have found their way into my dreams.

I've had a particularly vivid and traumatic dream each night for the past two nights. I will write about them.