As a rule, I try not to tell people they look skinnier. Or better. I try not to tell people that they look "rested" or "happy." I think that natural extension of that thought is, "How did I look earlier?"
I think, generally, people don't think about what they say. In high school, a friend of mine lost her mother after a particularly grueling illness. I remember her hearing things like, "At least the suffering is over," or, "I know what you're going through must be difficult." At least the suffering is over? I think most teenagers would rather have a mom in pain than no mom at all. And how do you know what someone is going through? My personal choice, "I can't imagine what you are going through. Please know that I'm here for you and I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts (and prayers -- only if I know they are spiritual/religious)."
I think I've told you about the Atomic Tumor. He lost his wife last month and has documented most of it through his blog. She died suddenly of a fast illness. As in, she was perfectly healthy at the beginning of the month and dead by Thanksgiving. He donated her organs.
Then the donation organization sent him a note telling him how they were used. (Which, I guess could be comforting but probably not just a few weeks after the loss. That seems like a card that could wait a few months.)
He wasn't very happy. He felt her organs went to losers -- Wal-Mart employees and truck drivers. Certainly these men weren't deserving of his beautiful wife's final gifts.
Of course, his response was probably a little extreme, but after what he went through isn't he entitled to extreme emotions? You should read the comments. The things that people -- most of whom I'm sure don't know him in real life -- think are acceptable to say to a grieving husband and father. Damn.
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:)
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