Wednesday Night

Last night's dream wasn't nearly as detailed as Tuesday night's but it was still vivid. Maybe even more. Last night I dreamnt that my father died.

In the dream, I got a call from my mother but because I've had my phone silenced a lot recently, I didn't see she had called for hours. I drove to the hospital in the Valley and sat outside on the curb for a long time before going in.

That was most of the dream.

This one was bad and shook me to the core. I haven't spoken with my father -- not in the "I'm not speaking to you" sense, I just haven't spoken with him -- since the accident. My parents handled it shittily and essentially ignored it. I didn't hear from my mother for over a week. My mother rarely goes more than 4 days without calling for no reason whatsoever. That week, she went a whole week. My dad, in the background on that conversation, said he didn't call because I "don't answer my phone."

I know I just wanted my family to reach out to me when I was going through that and they didn't. That upset me and I struggled with it all week. It was made worse with the fact that my roommate's mom was in town the whole time and was very comforting and supportive.

But I was struck with the pain of unresolved feelings in this dream. The things we don't say that we might not ever have the chance to say... the finality of things, really.