Anew.

It's a silly word that I overuse, anew. "In a new or differnet form." I like that better than "starting over." Starting over seems to connote little value in what happened prior. Starting over isn't always necessary, sometimes it's better to just try it differently...

Today is Easter, my favorite holiday. For Catholic, like me, there's a lot to do with this holiday. My family was talking today about there not being "a lot to Easter." My Easter started on Thursday when I attended that awesome Mass of the Lord's supper where reflect on humility and service. On Friday, it was suggested by my friend Ron to check out St. Monica's Good Friday service. It was my first -- a reflection on suffering and survival and sacrifice -- and it was remarkable, if only for Fr. Doug Glassman's homily. And Saturday, I brought my Easter celebration to a close with the Easter Vigil at Loyola Marymount University, a celebration of human victory, the undeniable power of God, and a promise for the future. But even if you aren't Christian, Easter is a holiday I think you can get in to, because Easter is about how nothing is insurmountable. Easter is about beginning anew.

I am a pretty happy and lucky fellow. I have some great friends and a hobby that is the single greatest experience in the world. I get to do this hobby nearly every weekend, and will even be travelling to Thailand soon to go diving. I have an amazing family, a family that makes me quite happy. I have -- after a lot of thought -- a pretty cool job that pays well and doesn't demand too much. (Okay, it doesn't really demand anything. But that's for another post, or several past posts.) So much about my life is perfect.

But I can't help with feeling a little empty when I spend tim with my family because I am reminded of the one thing missing: a relationship. My roommates cuddling on the sofa, my brother holding his daughter during a baseball game, my parents sitting side by side. This is the one area I can't seem to make work.

I typically choose to not discuss too much about my love life. Occasionally there are a few things that demand be blogged about, like dating a priest or when you are drugged into spending 6 months with a vapid, anorexic retard. The reality is, though, that I just can't seem to get it right. Most of my friends barrage me with "you are wonderful," "I wish you were straight," "you are amazing," but when I am interested, it never seems to go that way. Or I get hurt, because I think I am being giving, and honest, and in reality it never comes through. I never read guys right, I never say the right things, I get vulnerable. I don't want to be alone.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE PATHETIC, EITHER!

It can be difficult though, when I'm with my brothers (or others in happy relationships), who were both married with a child by the time they were my age. They owned homes and were on their way to the "big lie."

I'm still not pathetic, just holding out hope.

I am using this season to take a different form, to move forward anew. Happy and glorious Easter, may it be a meaningful season for you!